Mothers & the Workplace: Parenting is a full-time job

While our overall theme is women in the workforce, this post will be focused on the underrated and possibly most difficult job a woman can have: mothering.

My mom has a really hard job, and she didn't earn a degree for it. She does have a degree in special education and taught for four years before my sister came along and she decided she wanted to stay at home to raise her kid(s). For the first 19 years of my sister's life, and the first 16 years of mine, parenting was my mom's full-time job, and let me just say, we did not make her job easy.

On paper, my family is "normal." My dad has always worked full-time to bring home the bacon while my mom has run the household and her daughters since we were born. I have, on occasion, taunted my mother about Dad having the job, so our money is really his money, she's just a mom (I'm not proud of this). In reality, I think full-time parenting is one of the hardest jobs a person can hold (major props to my mom, because I know I was am a pretty difficult child. If my mom made a resume touting her housewife/parenting skills and experience, it would include these things:

• Organization: keeping calendars, appointments, checkbooks, and children in line.

• Timeliness: getting children and self where and when needed. Stays on top of check-ups, times of sports games, college due dates, etc.

• Housekeeping: keeps house in shape (save for younger daughter's impossibly messy room), and laundry queen

• Cooking: baking is to die for; savvy in the kitchen, providing delicious home-cooked meals for many years

• Personality: positive, outgoing, loving, giving, extremely hardworking, fun, selfless

Honestly, full-time parenting isn't just one job, it's many. And it's hugely important. Raising kids is a huge responsibility because not only are parents responsible for the child's wellbeing, they also have a huge role in who their children become - what kind of people they grow to be. Outside influences and the children's interior nature also shape them, but parents are no doubt a part of this.

Now, all of this probably sounds simply like an ode to my mother, or an encouragement to all mothers to stay at home, or a criticism of mothers who have paying jobs or of women who don't have kids. This is not those things. My mom wanted to stay at home with us, and we were fortunate enough that she was able to do that while we could keep a roof over our heads and food on our table. I understand some families can't afford this. I also understand some women don't want this. If I have kids, I plan on continuing whatever career I may have. Also, now that we're older, my mom has started working part-time and loves her job. I recognize that it doesn't have to be either or - being a mom or having a career. 

My intent here is simply to shine a spotlight on the unrecognized job of many women: mothering. 

It takes a special person to be a full-time mother. Michelle Goldberg discusses her in article "To breed or not to breed" the realities of motherhood. Goldberg writes:

The vague pleasures I sometimes associate with having children are either distant or abstract. Other women say they feel a yearning for motherhood like a physical ache. I don't know what they're talking about. The daily depredations of child rearing, though, seem so viscerally real that my stomach tightens when I ponder them. A child, after all, can't be treated as a fantasy projection of my imagined self. He or she would be another person with needs and desires that I would be tethered to for decades. And everything about meeting those needs fills me with horror. Not just the diapers and the shrieking, the penury and career stagnation, but the parts that maternally minded friends of mine actually look forward to: the wearying grammar school theatrical performances. Hours spent on the playground when I'd rather be reading novels. Parent-teacher conferences. Birthday parties. Ugly primary-colored plastic toys littering my home. 

Maybe it's because I'm only 18, but right now, I agree with her. The illusion of parenting is so appealing: having a cute, round, pink baby whose natural baby smell is intoxicating and whose gurgles would put an instant smile on my face. I've lived this illusion when my cousins & aunts have had kids. Every time I see a brand new babe, I want one. Then my logical and, honestly, selfish side kicks in and my brain tells me finish college first, find someone to have the kid with, then maybe you can have one. But just as enamored as I've been with my baby cousins when they're born, I'm equally as annoyed with them when they get older. At family parties or when I babysit a number of my kid cousins, I get so easily frustrated with their constant need for my attention, their ability to purposefully push my buttons, and the exhaustion that comes along with taking care of them.

I know I'm not really a kid anymore, but I'm for sure not ready for any of my own. Thinking into the very distant future, I think having kids would be fulfilling and bring a lot of love into my life. But I am still selfish enough to loathe what kids come with: messes, arguments, trivial tasks and errands that I don't want to be bothered with, etc. I mean, I don't even like taking care of myself by making food or doing laundry. Goldberg mentions that her "maternally minded friends" look forward to the trivial stuff. As a careless college student, I hate to think about yelling at my imaginary future children about cleaning their rooms or doing their homework, but perhaps over time, the longing I feel when I see newborns will develop into a liking for kids of all ages.

My point is that while motherhood is appealing to some, it is dreaded by others. And even if you love every dirty, gritty, tedious part of parenting, it can still be taxing. Being a full-time parent is a heavy job that is very admirable for a parent to take on.

In this article from Huffington Post, "Yes, We Do Need a New Word for 'Stay-At-Home Moms,'" the author Lisa Belkin asks, should we even call these women Stay At Home Mothers? Why is there such a distinction between women whose work is raising their children and women who work in an office, school, etc.? Belkin writes that what we call mothers and women, working or not, "simultaneously reflects and alters the way we perceive them."

Belkin says, "I would suggest that a replacement term has to meet two criteria. First, that it apply to men as well as women. Second, that it include those who are parents and those who are not. Our social ideal should be a work/life paradigm where everyone shapes a career that includes times where we work full-throttle and times when we ratchet back, and our words should be consistent with that."

Though social perception is perhaps more important than language, I do think the labels we place on mothers and women affect how they are viewed. There is a whole social debate about terms like "slut" and "whore" but what about "stay at home mothers" and "working mothers"? Why are there such stigmas surrounding mothers whose work is raising kids? Is this not a valid option for women?

The women's movement seems to have moved as far away from the image of the 1950s stay-at-home mother as possible. We now want to be seen as strong, capable, independent. We want jobs and don't want to be judged if we put work before family? If we want equality with men in the workforce, why does it suddenly seem as if we don't view women who choose family over work as equal? Yes, stay-at-home mothering is a stereotype related to the 1950s housewife, but was it not a legitimate option then? Is it not a legitimate option now?

The 2003 movie "Mona Lisa Smile," starring Julia Roberts, Kirsten Dunst, and Julia Stiles, is set in 1953 New York at the prestigious all-girls Wellesley College. Roberts portrays Katherine Watson, a new teacher hoping to break her conservative students out of their traditional life plans to get a high-quality college education only to later create a family and become a housewife. In one scene, when Watson (Roberts) is trying to encourage one of her brightest students, Joan Brandwyn (Stiles), to postpone the married life in order to go to law school, the following conversation occurs:

Katherine Watson: But you don't have to choose! 

Joan Brandwyn: No, I have to. I want a home, I want a family! That's not something I'll sacrifice. 

Katherine Watson: No one's asking you to sacrifice that, Joan. I just want you to understand that you can do both. 

Joan Brandwyn: Do you think I'll wake up one morning and regret not being a lawyer? 

Katherine Watson: Yes, I'm afraid that you will. 

Joan Brandwyn: Not as much as I'd regret not having a family, not being there to raise them. I know exactly what I'm doing and it doesn't make me any less smart...You stand in class and tell us to look beyond the image, but you don't. To you a housewife is someone who sold her soul for a center hall colonial. She has no depth, no intellect, no interests. You're the one who said I could do anything I wanted. This is what I want. 

Does choosing to forego or take a break from a career make a mother any less of a woman? No. Does continuing to work after having children make a woman any less of a mother? No. And should women/mothers look at women/mothers as less than or inferior to because of their choices? Absolutely not.

So cheers to the moms who do it all: the parenting, the cooking, the cleaning, the bills, the laundry, the sports games, the piano recitals, the worrying, the planning, the yelling, the soothing, and the loving.

- Erin Davoran


Sources:
"To breed or not to breed": http://www.salon.com/2003/05/06/breeding/ (Blackboard)
"Yes, We Do Need a New Word for 'Stay-At-Home' Moms": http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/03/27/we-need-a-new-word-for-sahm_n_2966251.html?utm_hp_ref=working-mothers
"Mona Lisa Smile" quotes: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0304415/quotes?item=qt0508407

Office Moms

The “office mom” is not anything new. When we think of office moms we think of a woman who is usually older than most of her other colleagues, has been at the office longer and serves as a nurturing figure. She may plan office birthday celebrations, stash community Tylenol, tissues and cough drops in her desk. She keeps it a priority to remember colleague’s birthdays, colleagues’ children’s’ names, age and where they go to school. She may also know your spouse’s name and occupation. And if you do not have a spouse she knows that too. The role of the office mom goes above and beyond that of the usual “friend from work” relationship as she makes it a priority to be on a personal level with her colleagues. Whenever I hear the term office mom I think of Joan from Mad Men. However as the work place’s dynamics change and more women progress into higher positions new, labels emerge. Today’s office mom is the boss.

Women are sometimes compelled to be incredibly ambitious, aggressive and sometimes tyrannical to balance against the weak, emotional and nurturing stereotypical role that they are expected to fulfill. In Laura Sinberg’s The Office Mom she describes how some women don’t feel that it’s necessary to be overly aggressive anymore. So some women including those in manager positions are able to take on different roles.  She asks, “Is [ditching the stereotype of the imperious, tyrannical boss in favor of the nurturing ‘office mom’] a good thing?” She answers yes with examples of the benefits of being a feminine nurturing figure at work. But what does it really mean to be an office mom and why do we call them office moms.

She describes the office mom as wise, generous, personal and concerned with teamwork. The office mom serves a mentor, keeps communication lines open, may bring in baked goods and treats them like a family. Women report that the office mom strategy compels colleagues to work harder because they feel appreciated and thus they are more loyal to the office mom then they would be to an average manager. It is kind of refreshing to see that women in leader position don’t feel forced to be overly aggressive. This is indeed different from the stereotypical professional image of a woman who is cold, tyrannical and has an every-one-for-themselves attitude. But is it really ground breaking to find that people respond well to having a mentor figure in the office or being personally acquainted with people that they work with? No. Many offices have easygoing bosses who are easy to communicate with, serve as mentors and are obsessed with teamwork. So why is that if a women uses this strategy at work to increase productivity for instance her colleagues look to her as an “office mom”.

The real issue here is that women who are not being overtly aggressive are being referred to as mom figures. There needs to be a middle ground for women in the workplace. If a woman feels it necessary to be on a somewhat personal level with her colleagues for professional reasons but is not the classic ‘witch’ boss her coworkers should not think her of as a mom. Yes, moms are very influential figures in our lives that should be respected. But a woman should not have to be seen as a mother figure to receive respect. Just because a women is using a personable approach to running an office for instance does not mean she is functioning as a mother. Moreover, I have yet to hear the term “office dad.” Men who are in managerial positions who are easy going, approachable and are mentors are not referred to as “office dads” they are referred just simply as the boss. There needs to be a middle ground for women. I am not advocating for women to be less ambitious or aggressive in the professional realm of their lives but everyone has their own approach. Women need to be able to experiment with their own roles in higher ranking jobs and approaches to running stores, offices, entire businesses etc. without being labeled in ways that could possibly set them back.
Image: http://managementnews.ejobhost.com/whos-your-office-mom/2740/
-Corinne Mann

Workplace Sexual Harassment Among College Age Women and High School Students

           The issue of sexual harassment in the workplace is one that has been widely discussed in contemporary American society since the beginning of Feminism's second wave. It is a topic that inspires copious images in one's mind. The greedy corporate boss who gets too grabby with his young secretary. The college intern who is unsure how to react to her supervisor's incessant questions about whether she "gets wild" when she's back on campus. The female executive who brushes off her male coworkers innuendo drenched remarks because, after all, she wouldn't want to seem like a bitch for making a big deal out of it.

            While these are hypothetical situations that merely come to one's mind when the question of workplace sexual harassment is posed, they are ordeals that have more likely than not played out in the realities of too many women.
           As Cordelia Fine discusses in her book, "Delusions of Gender," workplace sexual harassment seems to stem not from the potentially erotic charge of having women around, but rather as a means of controlling those women who attempt to infiltrate and dominate in previously all-male work environments. Fine references the Athena Factor report, which states that 69 percent of women in engineering and 56 percent of women working in corporate science fields had experienced sexual harassment.
           In all of this discussion, however, it seems that one faction of the female community is overlooked.

            In our increasingly materialistic world and with the cost of college tuition ever rising, more and more underage girls enter the workforce everyday and more and more high school students are working after-school jobs in a variety of industries. They hand us our fast food out of drive thru windows, check us out at the grocery store, and babysit our children.

            What we tend to forget is that these young women are no exception to the trend of workplace sexual harassment in America. Just from talking to women I've met here on the OU campus and considering my own experiences, it would appear that sexual harassment of underage women in the workplace is a problem. I've heard so many young women comment about "That one time..." where a boss, or a coworker did something that either walked the line of inappropriate or waved to it as they leapt over it. I've gathered testimony from a few young women about the harassment they faced in jobs they held in high school.

            One young lady I spoke to, a junior at Ohio University, worked at a fast food restaurant in her hometown in Pennsylvania.

            "I was working this one summer as a cashier at an Arby's and this one day, my boss comes up to me and says, 'Hey, don't wear your uniform tomorrow, I have something different for you to do. Just wear nicer clothes and be here by 11.' So, the next day, I show up to work at 11, like he asked, and he takes me back to his office and hands me this, like, mini skirt and tells me to go in the bathroom and put it on. I didn't really know what to think so I just did it and then came back to the office. The skirt was super short. Like inches above my fingertips when I put my arms at my sides and I felt kind of ridiculous in it! Then, when I went back in the office he hands me this cardboard sign, it was some kind of advertisement for a new sandwich they were featuring, and tells me I have to stand out front of the restaurant all day holding the sign to get people to come in. In the skirt.

            I felt like a hooker, and it was about a billion degrees out that day. I'm standing there in this skirt that's way too short for my legs, sweating my brains out, and people are driving by and honking and shouting things at me. Some guys from school must have driven by three times that day. It was embarrassing! I was out there in front of that restaurant for seven hours holding that sign wearing that short fucking skirt and for a minute I was like, 'What are we really advertising here?'

            Whenever I would come in to get water, [my boss] would get all pissy and tell me to stop coming in so much, that I wasn't doing my job. I'm like, 'Dude, I'm already wearing this ridiculous fucking skirt, it's a million degrees out there, what do you want me to do?' But, of course, I didn't say that. He was my boss! This was one of the first jobs I'd ever had and fifteen year-old [Stacy] was just trying to save up to get a cell phone.

            It's funny, actually, because if a boss tried to pull that shit with me today I would walk the fuck out, no way. It would never happen. But I was young and I didn't know. I can't imagine being there again. It was definitely harassment, and even though he didn't touch me or say anything sexual to me, it was harassment based in the fact that I was a girl, that I was young and had legs and boobs. It was ridiculous.

            [My boss] never had me do that again, but seriously, once was enough. I ended up quitting at the end of the summer, but I'll never forget standing in there in that fucking skirt. From then on, I was [Stacy] in the skirt, my coworkers gave me shit and would tease me about it all the time. One of the guys wouldn't let it go, kept making little comments about my legs. It was exhausting."
            Experiences like the one faced by this young woman are not uncommon, at least if you visit a dorm hall or cafeteria table occupied by women and ask. Instances of workplace sexual harassment like the one described above are one of the purest forms of abuse of power. The victim in these situations is someone young, inexperienced, and often in a position where standing up for oneself is difficult. These factors lead many young women who are faced with harassment early on to tolerate it and ignore the way it demeans them. I would argue that this cycle of indifference and silence continues into adulthood and leads many women to ignore the sexually harassing incidents they face in their professional lives.
One way to lighten the effects of this cycle is to ensure that it never begins, by empowering young women to stand for themselves and fostering a society that appreciates these girls for the things they are truly capable of. 

- Audrey Imes

Rape in the United States Armed Forces

         As our group settled down to choose a topic for our blog, we all seemed to agree that women in the workforce was a hot topic that we all had much to say about. I chose to specify this blog assignment about women in the military, specifically an article I came across in Rolling Stone magazine. The article is titled “The Rape of Petty Officer Blumer,” and it discusses the horrible rape of someone who works and defends our country. Office Blumer is a 23 year old Navy Intelligence analyst stationed at Fort Gordon in Georgia. As I continue to read the article, the first page already bothers me. Apparently Officer Blumer was drinking at a bar the night of the incident, stating that she became dizzy, sluggish and unable to move her limbs properly. She then continued to unfortunately drive back to the base where she then got pulled over for failing to put her headlights on. She failed her sobriety test and proceeded to be arrested. Officer Blumer wasn’t being the most cooperative in jail so they hosed her down in effort to quiet her because she kept yelling that she needed to see a doctor. Blumer was “crouching in her cell with a swollen jaw; bruises smudging her wrists, ankles and neck; her abdomen sore inside; and her lower back and buttocks afire with what felt like rug burn, it dawned on ­Blumer. She'd been roofied and raped.”

            The article says that military sex abuse is a common thing. One of the biggest cases happened last year when 32 training instructors preyed on at least 59 recruits. There have been other numerous cases of sodomy and sexual misconduct. Women have been classified as “bitches” in the army and have been told to remove their blouses to relax. Research shows that at least 1 in 3 of military women has, or will be sexually harassed or assaulted. One solider noted to be more scared of American soldiers than the enemy. I think that statement says a lot.

When women are sexually violated in service, it’s almost like nobody does anything about it. I am personally very disturbed at that comment. Rape is rape and there is NO other way around it. Then, of course the topic of victim blaming comes up. Officer Blumer was accused of making up the rape to get herself out of the DUI she was arrested for. Clearly she had the physical evidence and pain to show she was attacked. She was accused of being in a drunken orgy and then cried and whelped about it for pity. She was laughed at and continued to be called a whore. Although the military’s “rules” state to be, "You're taught to work through pain and difficulty, to put physical discomfort and mental weakness aside," Blumer had to continue on, putting a tough front on because they don’t offer pity and affection for those who have been directly hurt in some way. Blumer continued back at work with immense stigma attached to her. She was escorted out of combat because of the DUI charge and given “bitch” work to do until the case was cleared. She then met with the investigator who believed she was lying, asking if she asked for it because of the clothes she was wearing or how drunk she was.

Months after the assault occurred, she was still mowing lawns at the station and continuously being called out as the girl who faked her rape. She lost her dream opportunity of deployment in Italy. No fluids were found in the rape kit so nobody got charged for the crime. They couldn't prove anything minus all the physical infliction on her face and body. The article states the lack of sexual assault cases that are actually brought to court are incredible. So many instances like this happen in the military that are overlooked and placed in the way back of the newspapers and newsletters, in a small column like it’s absolutely unimportant. Officer Blumer now hates the Navy which she once loved and had a deep passion for. The way they reacted to this case absolutely disgusted her, as well as me.

As I continued to read this article I honestly became more and more disgusted with America. The lack of attention some rape victims receive is unacceptable. In no way, shape, or form did Office Blumer do ANYTHING to cause this to happen to her. Of course she shouldn't of been driving in the intoxicated state she was in, but that has nothing to do with how her body was disrespected. In class we discussed Rape as Adaptation where men are evolutionary predisposed to rape in the United States. We discussed how it gives the opportunity for low-status men to procreate but I believe Office Blumers incident was out of complete ignorance. Nothing can possibly justify what happened to her and it is sickening that in 2013 women are so disrespected and neglected when it comes to rape. I could go on and on about this topic because I, myself, have been a victim. Although I was not blamed for what happened, nor was it ignored, I still feel complete empathy for Officer Blumer. I seriously hope these issues minimize soon because this is absolutely disgusting and 100% unacceptable.

Above is the trailer from the documentary "The Invisible War," talking about how many rapes occur in our countries Armed Forces. The trailer is extremely moving, as we see victims sharing their story and addressing the issues that are so highly ignored and moved past. 

Jessica Singer

http://www.rollingstone.com/politics/news/the-rape-of-petty-officer-blumer-20130214

Breaking the Glass Ceiling

 As I am coming into the years of my life where finding a job is becoming a reality, I was excited when my group decided on the topic women and work. Since the second wave of feminism women have become more accepted within the corporate world, but of course there are still many issues that remain. The concerns I have for myself are how I am going to make my personality stand out? How can I come across as an independent, smart, hardworking woman? Should I just throw myself out there? Or should I remain conservative, and mind what I say? In a recent article by author A.G.S. Johnson titled ‘Successful Women in the Workforce: Is it Really All or Nothing?’ she states that women haven’t broken the glass ceiling in number because women don’t “lean in”, or “go for it at all costs” like men tend to do. Though she does acknowledge that there are simply tougher choices for women in the work force then there are for men. This statement immediately reminded me of my mother.

My mother recently admitted to me that if she had had the choice to be a stay at home mother she would have taken the opportunity. She never wanted to go back to work because she wanted to be the one to raise her kids, not to have them sent off to babysitters and daycare. I respect my mother for wanting to stay home, and to take care of my sister and I but with her making the sacrifice to work and to put everything into both her job and home life inspires me.  This inspires me to achieve a high position within my career so I could hopefully set up a lifestyle that if I decide to end work to stay at home with my kids, it would be an actual possibility. In order to do this I must take my stance on the term ‘glass ceiling’. In a excerpt we read in class from Cordelia Fine’s book ‘Delusions of Gender’ she says this statement that I find to be motivating. ‘While stereotypes can distort our perception of others, they are not so powerful that they can blind us to actual evidence that a female candidate has the necessary confidence, independence, and ambition to succeed in leadership roles’. There will always be stereotypes, we come from a society that tends to put labels on everything, and in order to make it we must be willing to break those labels. I come from a very loving and supportive family, and I know that I will always have them in my corner to cheer me on. They have taught me to create confidence, independence, and ambition for myself. In life you are consistently growing and achieving higher statuses, whether it is your year in school, or a simple promotion at your part-time job, you are still advancing. I believe that these advances you are taking on in life will ultimately help you when you are at an interview for a job. For you will have the confidence behind you, so in your mind you know that you can do it. 

In Johnson’s article she advises women from a statement made by CFO of Lehman Brothers Erin Callan to perhaps ‘look before you lean’ and I agree with her, it is always smart to fully read the situation before jumping right into it. She also quotes COO of Facebook Sheryl Sandberg to ‘go for it at all costs’ and I agree with this as well, I think you need both in order to succeed. I feel that I will personally need both of these tips when it comes to the next big commitment in my life. Next year I will be taking on the role, as the only junior captain of the OU Dance Team and this is a huge responsibility. The dance team here at OU is a student run organization, we are not under the direction of athletics, and the team depends on the captains in all aspects. The responsibilities includes choreographing each dance number that we perform at the basketball games, scheduling practice time, holding try-outs and choosing which dancers will be on the team, funding, and teaching. This is a great opportunity for me to perfect my leadership skills, and to know how to lead a team. I know already from being on the team for the past two years that I will need a lot of patience, but in order to succeed you must push yourself beyond the limits. This position will ultimately help me when applying for jobs, for my future boss can see that I can run such an important activity at such a big university. Johnson’s article was very inspiring to me that I need to face this ‘glass ceiling’ head on, to fully prepare myself to lean into the situation and then go for it!

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/ags-johnson/successful-women-in-the-workforce_b_2928368.html
Fine, Delusions of Gender. Pages 54-96 
Melody Bryant